25.06.18
I was eating lunch by myself downstairs when I received a WeChat message from my friend Helen's account saying that Helen had passed away. This is was in response to one of my messages asking her how she was going.
I froze. I went empty. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even eat anymore. It was only a couple of days ago when she came over to my house to chill and got me some ice tea because it was a hot day. We talked about her situation. She was still super depressed but I always convince myself and try to convince her that she would get better. I told myself, at least she was leaving the house and away from thinking really bad thoughts. At least she was distracting herself and having a laugh around me - which wasn't the case when I first saw her. She had been on medication - to regulate her emotions, to stop her from doing unthinkable things. Now, the unthinkable has happened.
I'm struggling to come to terms to it. It was just so sudden. And I thought to myself: why does this happen to me? 23 year old kid, who initially just wanted to catch up with a woman that I had met a couple of months ago, who was the daughter of my mum's good friend. Initially, it was just supposed to be a catch up. I've just moved to Nanjing - she's from Nanjing. Makes sense to catch up,
Then, I was thrust into her situation. She told me about her depression. Is it fair for me to know this? I'm just a guy, who doesn't really know her, now she's told me something very personal about her life. Could I have not cared? Maybe. But as anyone would do, you want to try to give some support. You don't want to think yourself as the saviour but someone who can be there when others can't, because if you have hope, you think that even the smallest bit can help.
So I got to know her a bit more and found out a lot about her personal life. She told me that the first time we met, she was putting on a show - she seemed happy and she brought her son along. In fact, she had already decided to divorce at that stage - her mood was far from happy. I would check up on her often, whether it was via WeChat, or in person.
I felt like I was one of very few people who actually knew and understood how she felt before she died. Maybe I was the only one to know. She said she felt uncomfortable speaking about her true feelings to her friends because she'd feel embarrassed and lose face. Since I'm almost a stranger, she told me everything. She told me her mum couldn't understand her too, and there were some details that she'd left out when speaking to her mum. She had lost all hope. It was a personality issue. Someone who had had a relatively comfortable and smooth-sailing life and never dealt with serious challenges, faced a challenge that was too overwhelming for her to handle. She wasn't mentally strong enough. She couldn't control herself in the end.
It's weird because I feel separated but invested at the same time. Separation because I don't really know her and I never will. Invested because I knew her in her final state and the state that she died in.
So back to my own question: Why me? It will forever be part of my experience here. It's something that was put in front of me and something that I have to learn from. It is what it is and we have to move on from it. Let her be an example of how not to handle adversity. Let her remind us that we need to confront our own demons instead of trying to avoid and escape from them.
RIP Helen 23.06.18.
Tuesday, 26 June 2018
Day 75
24.06.18
Long day of classes today. 9am to 6pm. Accidentally taught a kid for two hours instead of one - at least he gets his money worth. Surprisingly, I wasn't so tired after class so I decided to pick up some Sichuan special meat on the way home and have a healthy dinner at home. There were still some vegetables sitting in the fridge so I cooked some of them and made some congee with my rice cooker. It was a nice change having dinner at home - I've been eating out 99% of the time here in Nanjing.
Long day of classes today. 9am to 6pm. Accidentally taught a kid for two hours instead of one - at least he gets his money worth. Surprisingly, I wasn't so tired after class so I decided to pick up some Sichuan special meat on the way home and have a healthy dinner at home. There were still some vegetables sitting in the fridge so I cooked some of them and made some congee with my rice cooker. It was a nice change having dinner at home - I've been eating out 99% of the time here in Nanjing.
Day 74
23.06.18
Chilled with my friend Joy for half the day before having classes in the afternoon. After grabbing some dumplings for dinner, I went to Arcano to watch the footy and World Cup. It was busy that night so I did my bit behind the bar during the busy periods. A crowd of people had come to the bar after the wedding so lots of traffic. Some people thought I looked like a high school student. I get that a lot here with how casually I dress and how young I look.
Chilled with my friend Joy for half the day before having classes in the afternoon. After grabbing some dumplings for dinner, I went to Arcano to watch the footy and World Cup. It was busy that night so I did my bit behind the bar during the busy periods. A crowd of people had come to the bar after the wedding so lots of traffic. Some people thought I looked like a high school student. I get that a lot here with how casually I dress and how young I look.
Day 73
22.06.18
I honestly don't remember what I did on Friday. I would have set up my rice cooker. Bought some groceries. Went to the bar to watch the World Cup. There was a prom after-party at the bar - full of 18 year olds who had just graduated high school, having their final drinks together before everyone parts ways. It's different here in China. Everyone in the class came to this celebration. The classmate relationship is much stronger here than anywhere I've been. You would never have this in Australia - maybe it's because we change classes every year so it's more difficult to build bonds that run this deep. So many of these guys already smoking and drinking as well. They start them young here.
Saturday, 23 June 2018
Day 72
21.06.18
Went into the office in the morning because I was bored. Rode the bike in 30 degree weather in my chinos. Not the greatest idea. Chatted some shit with my colleagues then had to jump across to my other school to teach a class about maturity. Chinese people's concept of maturity is different from Westerners. Chinese people think you've reached maturity when you hit 30 - most students in the class had that idea.
Usual class on Thursday night at another factory. Boring topic for the textbook. Polished it off in 40 minutes. Second half of the class decided to get the students to pair up and have a conversation about their ideal professions. On my one hour cab ride back to the city, I had Australia vs Denmark on my phone. Australian National Anthem was belted out at the stadium. Decent result though (1-1), still a chance to progress!
Went into the office in the morning because I was bored. Rode the bike in 30 degree weather in my chinos. Not the greatest idea. Chatted some shit with my colleagues then had to jump across to my other school to teach a class about maturity. Chinese people's concept of maturity is different from Westerners. Chinese people think you've reached maturity when you hit 30 - most students in the class had that idea.
Usual class on Thursday night at another factory. Boring topic for the textbook. Polished it off in 40 minutes. Second half of the class decided to get the students to pair up and have a conversation about their ideal professions. On my one hour cab ride back to the city, I had Australia vs Denmark on my phone. Australian National Anthem was belted out at the stadium. Decent result though (1-1), still a chance to progress!
Friday, 22 June 2018
Day 71
20.06.18
Had class first thing in the morning. My VIP student, who I went to watch the game with the other night, wanted a final lesson with me before he left to his hometown Shanghai. He wanted to know about the slang of Western culture, which I'm very well-versed in, so it was a productive lesson.
Then, I had lunch with Shirley, one of my first friends here who I haven't seen for a while. She has her graduation ceremony tomorrow for Nanjing University and has found work in Suzhou. Almost immediately after graduating, she will transition into full-time work. And to think that I took a gap year because I didn't feel 'ready' to work. Chinese people are just bred differently. She said she officially starts in August but her manager told her to come early to 'adjust' to the company - I suspect so that when she officially starts, she can add value. It took me almost 3 months to settle in to Telstra before adding any kind of 'value'. So she's telling me about her boyfriend who she just started dating and he's already talking about future plans and she's feeling a bit freaked out because their relationship is still quite raw and her life is undergoing some big changes. They're going to have to do long distance as well - after only dating for a month! It's crazy how this guy is already thinking quite ahead given the situation - and I think it's common in Chinese culture to do so.
After my class at Jiangning, one of my students was kind enough to send me closer to the city. During the car ride, I found out that her little sister is living in Melbourne and is a professor of actuarial studies at the Faculty of Business and Economics at Melbourne University. What a coincidence!
When I got to soccer training, I was glad to see my friend Andrew who I hadn't seen in a long time, rock up. The weather was perfect for football and I sweated a river running around, which was good since I've been a bit lazy the past two weeks during the time my brother came over.
Had class first thing in the morning. My VIP student, who I went to watch the game with the other night, wanted a final lesson with me before he left to his hometown Shanghai. He wanted to know about the slang of Western culture, which I'm very well-versed in, so it was a productive lesson.
Then, I had lunch with Shirley, one of my first friends here who I haven't seen for a while. She has her graduation ceremony tomorrow for Nanjing University and has found work in Suzhou. Almost immediately after graduating, she will transition into full-time work. And to think that I took a gap year because I didn't feel 'ready' to work. Chinese people are just bred differently. She said she officially starts in August but her manager told her to come early to 'adjust' to the company - I suspect so that when she officially starts, she can add value. It took me almost 3 months to settle in to Telstra before adding any kind of 'value'. So she's telling me about her boyfriend who she just started dating and he's already talking about future plans and she's feeling a bit freaked out because their relationship is still quite raw and her life is undergoing some big changes. They're going to have to do long distance as well - after only dating for a month! It's crazy how this guy is already thinking quite ahead given the situation - and I think it's common in Chinese culture to do so.
After my class at Jiangning, one of my students was kind enough to send me closer to the city. During the car ride, I found out that her little sister is living in Melbourne and is a professor of actuarial studies at the Faculty of Business and Economics at Melbourne University. What a coincidence!
When I got to soccer training, I was glad to see my friend Andrew who I hadn't seen in a long time, rock up. The weather was perfect for football and I sweated a river running around, which was good since I've been a bit lazy the past two weeks during the time my brother came over.
Day 70
19.06.18
Today was my brother's last day in Nanjing. I was really happy to see him here despite maybe not showing it in person. We've had our differences in the past and we're completely different people but we had some good quality brotherly bonding time during his stay. He got to see how I live my life here and met some of the people that I surround myself with. It was important for me to show him what I was about because sometimes he doesn't fully understand.
After seeing my brother off, my uncle, aunty and I went back to my place to check out what was wrong with the light in my living room. Basically, it hasn't worked for the last few weeks and I really haven't been bothered to fix it (as I have a desk light in the living room that works fine). Turns out it is a LED light that I need to get replaced.
The weather today was shocking. Raining and hot. There's a season for this type of weather - Huang Mei Season and it's usually in April and May, in the middle and lower reaches of the Chang Jiang River but this year, it has come late according to the locals. Expect more of this type of weather soon.
I ended up just chilling at home until I had class from 7-9. I ordered takeaway dumplings because they're one of the few foods that doesn't really lose it's taste when delivered. For my classes tonight, we talked about our personalities and the second class was about food and cooking. Following on from that theme, I bought myself an electric rice cooker on Taobao. Originally 599, reduced down to 159. Absolute bargain. Part of the 618 promotions. First year anniversary of JinDong or something.
Today was my brother's last day in Nanjing. I was really happy to see him here despite maybe not showing it in person. We've had our differences in the past and we're completely different people but we had some good quality brotherly bonding time during his stay. He got to see how I live my life here and met some of the people that I surround myself with. It was important for me to show him what I was about because sometimes he doesn't fully understand.
After seeing my brother off, my uncle, aunty and I went back to my place to check out what was wrong with the light in my living room. Basically, it hasn't worked for the last few weeks and I really haven't been bothered to fix it (as I have a desk light in the living room that works fine). Turns out it is a LED light that I need to get replaced.
The weather today was shocking. Raining and hot. There's a season for this type of weather - Huang Mei Season and it's usually in April and May, in the middle and lower reaches of the Chang Jiang River but this year, it has come late according to the locals. Expect more of this type of weather soon.
I ended up just chilling at home until I had class from 7-9. I ordered takeaway dumplings because they're one of the few foods that doesn't really lose it's taste when delivered. For my classes tonight, we talked about our personalities and the second class was about food and cooking. Following on from that theme, I bought myself an electric rice cooker on Taobao. Originally 599, reduced down to 159. Absolute bargain. Part of the 618 promotions. First year anniversary of JinDong or something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)